The mother-in-law, 41, became an ‘anxious mess’ after moving in with her partner and two children

A mother-in-law has explained how she went from a ‘confident and strong woman’ to an ‘anxious mess’ after moving in with her partner and children.

Katie Harrison, 41, from Suffolk, reached breaking point as she became a stepmother – admitting she felt she was ‘walking on eggshells’ and ‘constantly under surveillance’ in her own home.

The mother-of-three, who shares two children with her partner Dom, says she felt ‘lost and isolated’ while trying to maintain the ‘very delicate balance’ they had achieved as a blended family .

Earlier this year she launched the hit BBC podcast ‘You’re Not My Mum: The Stepmums Side’ in a bid to provide support and tackle the ‘taboo’ surrounding being a stepmother.

Katie told FEMAIL: “I felt like I was expected to give, but expected nothing in return, and that was breaking me. I went from a confident, strong woman to an anxious mess.

“Every other weekend I was walking on eggshells in my own house, constantly feeling under surveillance and thinking over everything for fear of saying something that might upset the very delicate balance we had.

“We were kind of like a Jenga tower, constantly moving blocks in our family and with our schedules, trying not to let the tower crumble.

“All this time, I desperately searched for support. WHERE WERE ALL THE STEPMUMS? I felt lost and isolated. As a ‘real’ mom, I had lots of people to share my deepest truths with, but as a stepmom, there was nothing.”

The mother-of-three, who shares two children with her partner Dom, says she felt ‘lost and isolated’ while trying to maintain the ‘very delicate balance’ they had achieved as a blended family .

The mother-of-three, who shares two children with her partner Dom, says she felt ‘lost and isolated’ while trying to maintain the ‘very delicate balance’ they had achieved as a blended family . Dom and Katie are pictured taking a walk with their children

Katie met her partner Dom at work in 2016 and said she “rather naively” thought it would be simple to take her two young children alongside her three-year-old son.

“I’ve always loved children and wanted a big family,” she said. “Dom had spoken a lot about his daughters, so I was delighted to meet them. I really saw them as a bonus and I thought that him being a dad would also mean that he understood my commitments to my son.

“I knew it wouldn’t always be easy and I anticipated bumps along the way, but looking back I was very naive about the kinds of complications that might arise and how difficult it would be!”

As a mother herself, Katie knew how hard it is to share her child – but admitted it was ‘impossible’ to find a balance between making the girls feel cared for and not step on their mother’s feet.

“I was worried about how my son would take my partner and his kids,” she said. “The concerns on that side were quite unfounded as my son quickly established a good relationship with them.

“Before we moved in together, I think it was trickier for the kids. Most of our time was spent in ‘my’ house where my son obviously had a room and his toys, so for him he had the felt like his space wasn’t his and he had to share ALL the time, and for the girls, they felt like it wasn’t their home.

Things got better when the couple officially moved in together and all the kids got their own space – but the complications of being a stepmom were far from over.

Katie says all major decisions had to be made ‘by a committee’ and often the choices she felt were right for her own children were not the same as those made by the children’s own mother.

“People would just tell me ‘Treat them like your own’ but of course I couldn’t do that because there were a lot of decisions about how they were raised, for example access to social media, which didn’t happen. just weren’t my decisions to make.

“So I felt like I had all the responsibility, but none of the authority that comes with raising kids. It was so hard.

“In our house, we had a lifestyle that worked for us, but it wasn’t always the same as their mother’s back home, so the smallest things like what time the kids went to bed, took their shoes off around the house, what kind of food we ate, ended up erupting into huge issues that were so stressful for all of us.

“While I know these are just small things, when so many little ways you love to live are challenged, it can cause enormous emotional pressure.”

She added: “In a first family, the power tends to flow away from the parents, but blended families can often be a percolator model where the power flows away from the children. This creates a really difficult situation for all family members.”

Although their children have always had a good relationship, Katie admitted it was difficult to fight the ‘almost primal’ urge to stand up for her child in the midst of conflict – a fact she believes is important for parents to express.

The mum was running away to her parents for the weekend with her son, admitting that although she thought Dom and her daughters needed some quality time, she ‘couldn’t deal with the tension’ at home.

“I knew I was running away and pushing the issue on the road, but I was so on edge emotionally that I just went into ‘protect myself’ mode,” she said.

“Some of the people in my household were unhappy. And there was nothing I could do about it. I was so desperate for our home to be the happy home I wanted, and at that time, it wasn’t.

“I really struggled with not being able to ‘solve’ our family’s issues. My joy was formed on someone else’s pain and it’s a very hard pill to swallow. For a stepmother to exist, there must have been a loss to the child, whether through death or divorce.

“So no matter how much I wanted my stepchildren to be happy, sometimes my presence was just a reminder that their parents were no longer together. I took it very personally, even though it wasn’t about me as a person.”

Katie says her relationship with Dom suffered early on from her stepmother, admitting there were “so many tears” as they found their feet as a blended family.

After winning the contest, Katie’s podcast ‘You’re not my Mum; The Stepmum’s side’ was released on BBC Sounds earlier this year

“It is not surprising that the greatest predictor of divorce in second marriages is the presence of children from the first!” There were times when I felt like I couldn’t take the pressure, the upheaval, and the stress anymore.

“There has been a lot of hurt, for all of us, at different times. There is very little support for mothers-in-law and also very little support for dads in second relationships.

“Going through those painful lows has brought us a lot closer and we now have an extremely strong and honest relationship.”

Katie’s light bulb moment came when she was crying alone in her bedroom thinking “I can’t be the only woman who feels like this”.

“I remember very clearly talking to Dom about the BBC Podcast competition and saying ‘someone has to talk about this stuff, it’s complicated and taboo, but the way to break taboos is to talk about things” and his response was “well, you should come in”!

After winning the contest, Katie’s podcast ‘You’re not my Mum; The Stepmum’s side was released on BBC Sounds earlier this year.